


one hugs, the other doesn't

by yonderdarling



Series: hey baby I hear the TARDIS calling/tossed salads and scrambled eggs [2]
Category: Doctor Who (2005), Frasier (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Human, F/M, Frasier fusion, Nanny G, Sexuality Crisis, Silly horny people doing silly things, v v v v minor one tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23393077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yonderdarling/pseuds/yonderdarling
Summary: The one we've all been waiting for, probably. The all-human AU fusion with the classic sitcom Frasier (1994 - 2003) episode, "Caught in the Act," wherein the Doctor is a gay Yorkshire astrophysicist and the Master is a stage magician for kids. Or something.
Relationships: Bill Potts/Heather (mentioned), Grace O'Brien/Graham O'Brien, The Doctor/The Master (Doctor Who), Thirteenth Doctor/Clara Oswald (mentioned), Thirteenth Doctor/The Master (Dhawan), Twelfth Doctor/Missy, Yasmin Khan & Ryan Sinclair
Series: hey baby I hear the TARDIS calling/tossed salads and scrambled eggs [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1679740
Comments: 16
Kudos: 25





	one hugs, the other doesn't

**Author's Note:**

> As we all know, I love Frasier. This is another in the very sporadically updated series where I take a great Frasier script and jam as many Doctor Who characters and references into it as possible. This one is based on a very late-stage episode that is a bloody gem in the history of the show and should be watched, if you want. Like, seriously - the climax of the episode (which is very different to what happens in this story, sorry) was so hilarious to the studio audience at the time that they had to be muted.
> 
> The ALL CAPS bits in the middle of the text are meant to invoke the famous Frasier intertitles and are mostly taken from the script or other Frasier episodes. 
> 
> Finally, as we all know, the Thirteenth Doctor is a very annoyed lesbian. She's annoyed because she's still in love with the Master. Consider this your warning, and if you have an issue, take it to the comments.

**IT’S HIS ANIMAL MAGNETISM**

Cafe Nervosa hummed with the sounds of humanity - people chatting over coffee, the guitarist outside who was trying His Best, the hiss and spray of the coffee machine, and people hard at work making a show of writing their Great Novel in a cafe. Jamie (Dr Jamie Smith, if we’re being particular) herself was up to something similar, reading through an article draft from one of her old PhD buddies, Bill, who was currently somewhere in the Amazon with her girlfriend Heather. No rest for the wicked.  
  
Someone sat at the table, and she knew without looking up that it was her father. Still -   
  
“Hi, dad,” she said, as a waitress, Kelsey, approached their table.  
  
Her dad, John Smith (also a doctor), usually he-of-the-grumpy-face, smiled at her. He spoke to the waitress first - “Large cappuccino to take away, please, Jamie do you want anything? No, okay.” He rested his hand on the table as Kelsey went away, and pushed at Jamie’s laptop. “How are you? What are you working on?”  
  
“Fine, just checking over something from Bill,” Jamie said, squinting at the screen. Did she need glasses? Her parents didn’t, but her two brothers did. She should make an appointment. She was going to forget to make an appointment. She should make a note, to make an appointment. “How are you?”  
  
“I just said, tired,” John said. “I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.” Oh no, he had that chuffed look on his face, and his accent was particularly Scottish. Jamie didn’t realise in time to cut him off. “I was at Missy’s, you know.”  
  
Jamie stared at her father. He stared back.   
  
“Don’t,” she said.  
  
“A gentleman never tells,” said John. “But - “  
  
“Dad, it’s bad enough you and mum are trying to work it out. Again. I know you had sex at least three times in your life, because there’s me, Alec and Phillip, and that’s all your involvement in sex that I wanna know about. Ever.”  
  
“Alright.”  
  
“Alright.”  
  
John and Jamie stared at each other over the table. The waitress brought his coffee over, and also a packet of chips, which was usually tagged onto John’s order. He and Jamie’s mother had worked at the University of Yorkshire since time immemorial and most of the cafe staff in the area knew his habits.  
  
“Thanks, Kelsey. I’ll tell you one thing,” John said. “She’s got this - “  
  
“Dad, please!” Jamie saw her dad’s old mate Graham enter the cafe. “Oh, thank God. Graham, over here! Please!”  
  
Graham, who’d met John in some kind of bus-related incident, had been around since before Jamie was born, and he was more of an uncle to her than just one of her dad’s mates. He waved, paused at the door to wait for his new wife, Grace. They talked briefly, and Grace went to the counter as Graham came over, swinging a TopShop shopping bag in his hand.  
  
“What’s in the bag?” Jamie asked. “Since when do you go to TopShop?”  
  
“It’s uh - “ Graham looked at the bag. “It’s - “  
  
“You’ve never been in a TopShop in your life,” Jamie said. “What’s in it, really?”  
  
Graham sighed. “It’s a really nice Scotch. It was on sale - don’t tell Grace, less she - we’re saving for the honeymoon, right?”  
  
“Right.”  
  
“Right,” said John. “And you’re sharing it with me?”  
  
“Eventually. I did buy a jumper from the TopShop though, to keep it hidden and nicely packed in.”   
  
Graham pulled up a chair and Jamie, sensing she wasn’t going to get any more work done, closed her laptop and put it in its battered blue case. Graham stowed the bag under the table.  
  
“Tell you what,” said John. “You know who can keep a jumper nicely packed?”  
  
“Oh, you saw Missy last night?" Graham said. "How’d it go?”  
  
“Well I’ll tell you, I was still seeing her this morning, so - “  
  
“Dad, oh my God,” said Jamie. “Excuse me. I can’t listen to my - oh. Hi, Grace, please stop them talking about sex.”  
  
It wasn’t just that, yes, her parents were probably going to get back together again. They’d not been married since 1996, but went through a roughly-four-year-cycle of making up, breaking up, becoming friends again, realising they were still in love, and going at it like rabbits, before it all fell apart again. The issue was…it was that she was jealous. The closest thing she’d had to physical intimacy in the past couple of years was when she’d fainted on the train and Graham had caught her on the way down, and the idea of Graham, GRAHAM, being in any way attractive to her was utterly repulsive. The again, her gynaecologist visit a few months back hadn’t been super uncomfortable, and the doctor had even warmed up the speculum. Perhaps she could count that.   
  
Jamie gave up and opened her dad’s chips, took a handful for herself. She crunched away mournfully.   
  
“No sex please, we’re British,” said Grace, sitting down with hers and Graham’s coffees. “I ordered you a hot chocky, Jamie, but I don’t have enough hands and they’re adding your extra marshmallows.”  
  
John and Missy weren’t the only regulars in this particular cafe.   
  
“Aw, thanks Grace,” said Jamie. “So. How is - how’s Ryan? I’ve not seen him in a week or two.”  
  
“He’s good, taking on extra shifts at the factory,” Grace said. “Gosh, it’s cold in here, you’d think they’d turn the heater up a little.”  
  
Jamie remembered what Graham had said, and took her wallet out. “Let me pay you back for the drink, Graham said you’re still saving for the honeymoon - “  
  
“Thanks love, but a three-pound hot chocolate isn’t exactly going to make or break us. We’re just avoiding extravagances right now. I’ve given up my monthly massage, and Graham’s given up drinking to save some coin.”  
  
“Yes.” said Graham, not moving his face.   
  
John chuckled. “Least I’m getting a massage - “  
  
“Dad! Get out!” Jamie cried, and finally John grinned at her, took his coffee and said his goodbyes. “Bloody hell,” she said, once he’d left. “You know, not that I don’t mind them getting back together, it’s that he always acts like this during the honeymoon period. One day I’m just going to lock them both in a dungeon and let God sort it out.”  
  
“It’s sweet,” said Grace, as Graham said, “I’m right there with you, Jamie.”  
  
“Hi, everyone!” said another familiar voice over the din of Nervosa.  
  
“Yaz?” cried Jamie, and she stood to hug her friend. Yaz was Ryan’s sister-in-law, which was how they’d met. “Good to see you!”  
  
“Hi, all,” said Yaz, sitting down next to Grace. “I forgot you all know each other. I’m exhausted.” She slumped in her chair. “Can I have a chai, please?” she asked Kelsey, without opening her eyes or moving her head.   
  
“Night shift?” Jamie asked. “Were you on the cells?”  
  
“Nah, worse.”  
  
“Worse than night shift on the cells?”  
  
“At least I got great stories from working the cells,” Yaz said. “No, I promised my niece I’d take her to see Master Magician, that kid’s entertainer - “ Jamie chewed the remnants of her chips, not moving her face even as the bottom dropped out of her stomach - “and I was in line for hours waiting for tickets, and the second I got to the window, they shut it in my face! Sold out!”  
  
Graham chuckled. A different waitress, Jane, bought over Jamie’s Grace-funded hot chocolate and Yaz’s chai.  
  
“What’s funny?” Yaz asked, turning her head to look at Graham.  
  
“Ah, I was just thinking - Jamie there might be able to pull a few strings for you there.”  
  
Jamie filled her face with the hot chocolate.   
  
“What, with Master Magician?”  
  
“Oh yeah,” said Graham.   
  
“You know Master Magician?” Yaz asked.   
  
Jamie pulled a face at Graham, who pulled one back. Grace chuckled, clearly confused but enjoying herself.   
  
“What, did you go to school with him or something?”  
  
“Yes,” said Jamie. “Primary, secondary, Oxford. He started a PhD in children’s psychology while I was doing my PhD in astrophysics - “  
  
“Yeah, and then she married him,” said Graham, and both Grace and Yaz stared. He looked at his wife. “What, I thought you knew that! There’s a photo in one of Melissa’s albums. They both wore tuxedos.”  
  
“I was getting to that,” Jamie said.   
  
“You married…him? You’re a lesbian!” said Yaz, and a couple of heads turned.  
  
“Thanks Yaz,” said Jamie. “I’m, well. Yes. I’m a lesbian. Graham, Grace, why are you here for this conversation?”  
  
“Better us than your dad, love,” said Grace, and she wasn’t wrong there.  
  
“No, like, I just. Love women all the time, and then there was also him.” Jamie said, and then took another long drink of hot chocolate. If she drank long enough, maybe the world would implode and she’d not have to have this conversation. When she surfaced for breath, Yaz was still staring at her, with bewilderment clear on her face. “Like, always women, and then there’s you know. There was. Osric.”  
  
“Master Magician’s name is Osric?” said Yaz. “Ha! This is brilliant!”  
  
“Well, it was years ago, we were best friends at school and then got together right after we graduated - “ Jamie began. “And we divorced after I got my PhD, we were dumb kids - “  
  
“That’s great for you, Doctor - “ Yaz said, using the nickname she and Ryan had given her. “Because I need those tickets! He’s playing a couple of songs and signing things and that at the bookshop down the road!”  
  
“Uh - “ said Jamie, at the same time as Graham, curse him, went, “I don’t think it could hurt, Jamie. He was always fond of you.”  
  
“Please, let’s go!” said Yaz, draining her chai, standing up. “Come on!”  
  
“Alright, alright, fine - “  
  
Jamie finished off her mug, and ate the last marshmallow. “Thanks for that, Grace,” she said. “Hey, are you still cold?”  
  
Grace nodded.   
  
“Graham said he bought a jumper,” Jamie said, pulling out the TopShop bag and passing it to Grace before Graham could stop her. “Right, fine Yaz, let’s go.”  
  
“Let me get the jumper out for you, love,” said Graham, as Jamie and Yaz exited.  
  
“No, it’s fine, I’ll do it myself - huh, this bag is heavy, what’s at the bottom ― “

  
**WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE**

While they were waiting in line at the book shop, safe out of the Yorkshire rain, Yaz texted Ryan, who came along to queue up with them. He brought his and Sonya’s daughter, Umbreen, as school had let out.

“I assume your nan texted you,” said Jamie to Ryan, as he walked up with a big grin on his face. “Classic Grace.”

“Oh yeah she did,” said Ryan, and nudged Yaz. “So, Doctor, what was it like being married to Master Magician?”  
  
“God, we were so young and immature,” said Jamie, thinking back. “I had no idea what I was doing.”  
  
“Not very gay, though,” said Ryan.  
  
“Well, yeah, I know I’m gay now,” said Jamie. “But in the bedroom - “  
  
“It was before you realised you were gay,” said Yaz. “So like - “  
  
“I mean, I’ve gone out with a few men,” said Jamie. “I’ve had sex with men. But I’m gay. I figured that out.”  
  
“Hey, actually - “ said Ryan, covering Umbreen’s ears. “Can we just - like, the gay is fine, it’s the sex we’re talking about too much.”  
  
“I suddenly feel a bit of a hypocrite,” said Jamie. “Sorry. I’ve um, I’ve hugged men. I just only want to, um. Hug with ladies. But, then, I’d also hug Osric.”  
  
“So you loved to hug with Master Magician?” Yaz asked.  
  
“Oh yeah, we’d fight constantly, but in the good times, we’d hug our brains out,” Jamie said, and both Ryan and Yaz laughed. “Actually, last time I saw Osric, he wanted to have a little reunion hug, but I was still with Clara.”  
  
“I liked Clara,” said Yaz. “You thinking he'll try for another hug?”  
  
The line moved along a few metres, and the gang shuffled along. Umbreen leant out of line. 

“I can see him!” she said. “I hope he does the Tremas Tremble.”

Jamie stood behind Ryan, her heart pounding. She was weirdly nervous. It was just business. She was just asking him a favour. People saw their exes all the time. People asked their exes for favours all the time. Osric loved kids, he couldn’t bear to disappoint a kid as cute as Umbreen. It’d be fine. Why was her stomach fluttering?  
  
“We don’t know if we’ll be able to get tickets, Umbreen, just sit tight,” said Ryan. “But you will get to meet him, okay?”  
  
“Yes!”  
  
Yaz nodded at Jamie.  
  
“I mean. Yeah, the thought’s crossed my mind,” Jamie said. “We used to have this crazy attraction to each other, it was almost like. Combustible, you know? Like two stars colliding.”  
  
Yaz pulled a face. The line moved, and they were at the top, the table, right in front of Osric Chaudri, better known by his stage name, Master Magician. He didn’t seem to notice anyone but Umbreen, and beamed at her in his silly purple shirt and his frankly, ugly, orange and purple checked waistcoat. Umbreen put her copy of _Master Magician’s Mega Magnificent Magic Book: How-To Tricks and Tips for Super Secret Special Spells_ on the desk in front of him.  
  
“Wonderful!” said Osric. “And who is this for?”  
  
“Jamie,” said Ryan, quickly, grinning. “J - A - M - “  
  
Osric looked up, gaping. He locked eyes with Jamie and grinned, and she found herself smiling back automatically, her heart in her mouth.  
  
“Jamie!” he said, standing, knocking his chair back. “Goodness, it’s been years, it’s lovely to see you!” He took Jamie’s offered hand and shook it. “Hello. Hello - who’s this? Is this - “  
  
“Oh, they’re not mine,” said Jamie. “This is Ryan and his daughter, Umbreen, and this is Yaz, Umbreen’s auntie - “  
  
Osric worked his way along the line, shaking Ryan’s hand, Umbreen’s hand, Jamie’s again, then Yaz -   
  
“You and Jamie make a very cute couple,” he said to Yaz. “I - “  
  
“No, we’re not a couple,” Jamie heard herself saying, like an idiot. “Yaz and I are mates, I’m single - “  
  
Osric sat down, smiled at Umbreen. “So, how old are you?”  
  
“Five!”  
  
“Single as a Pringle,” Jamie heard herself say. “Footloose and fancy free.”  
  
“Wow, five! You know what happens when you turn six?” The oblivious Osric asked Umbreen, who shook her head. “Well!” He held up his hand, fingers extended. “You grow an extra finger!” He held his other hand behind that one, popped up his index finger.   
  
Umbreen laughed, smiling up at Osric.   
  
“Let me just sign your book - “ said Osric.  
  
“Footloose, fancy free - “ Jamie said, and Yaz smacked her in the arm.  
  
“He’s not biting, Doctor, just please get the tickets.”  
  
Osric wrote a short message in the title page of Umbreen’s book. Jamie leant down towards him.  
  
“Listen, Oz,” she said. “Umbreen was so looking forward to seeing your show, but Yaz couldn’t get tickets, they’re all sold out - “  
  
“Yeah,” said Osric, looking up, and his face was less than a foot from Jamie’s for the first time in over a decade, and to her it was like the air between them was electric. “We’ve sold out Yorkshire, Bristol, London, and Birmingham…we had to have another show there, unfortunately. Uh,” he turned back down to his writing. “Alright, Umbreen, there you go!” He looked back up at Jamie. “But I reckon I can dig up - four tickets?”  
  
“Get in! That’d be brilliant!” said Ryan.  
  
“Only if you don’t mind…sitting in the front row?” Osric added, and Umbreen squealed.  
  
“Thank you Master Magician!”  
  
“Any time, Umbreen!”  
  
“Excuse me, can I have everyone’s attention please?” called a voice. A striking woman with loosely curled blonde hair stepped out from the back room of the shop. “I’m very sorry, but Master Magician has to go to the theatre now.”  
  
Everyone in the shop lined up for autographs made noises of annoyance.  
  
“Gosh, I’m sorry!” said Osric, and he stood. “But maybe we have time for one more thing - would you like to hear a song? Lucy?”  
  
The kids, and some of the parents, cheered. The blonde woman - Lucy, presumably - smiled and stepped over to a keyboard piano in the corner.  
  
“Does everyone know the Peek-a-Boo song?” Osric called. “Great! Then you know what to do! Lucy!”  
  
Lucy at the piano, facing the corner began to play a bright, bouncy little tune. Osric covered his eyes with his hands and began to sing -   
  
“Peek-a-boo!” he called.  
  
“Peek-a-boo!” the kids echoed.  
  
“Peek-a-boo!” he sang.  
  
“Peek-a-boo!”  
  
“Someone’s there but oh my gosh, I don’t know who! Is it you?” Osric sang, his eyes still covered.  
  
Jamie, Yaz and Ryan laughed at Umbreen, who was singing loudly, wiggling to the music.  
  
“Peek-a-boo!” shouted the kids, on cue.  
  
“Give a clue!”   
  
“Peek-a-boo!”  
  
“Guess I’d better go and sneak a peek-a-boo!” sang Osric, taking his hands from his eyes.  
  
“Peek-a-boo!!” The kids finished.   
  
Everyone in the shop (minus one tired-looking store assistant) laughed and applauded. Umbreen tugged at Jamie’s sleeve.  
  
“Usually he makes things disappear on the show when he does that! Or he does funny things to a person when their eyes are covered!”  
  
“Wasn’t that fun?” Osric said, smiling at all the kids. “That was great! And now it’s your turn to sing back. Everyone, cover your eyes!”  
  
Around the store, all the kids obediently clapped their hands over their eyes.   
  
“Ah-hah! I said everyone!” said Osric, gesturing at all the adults in the store.   
  
All the adults, Jamie and Yaz and Ryan included, covered their eyes, some self-consciously. Jamie was having a ball, and covered hers quickly; even if Oz didn’t feel their old connection, she’d forgotten how good of a performer he could be.  
  
“Ready, Lucy?” called Osric, and the piano started again with the same intro.  
  
“Peek-a-boo!” the kids sang.  
  
“Peek-a-boo!” Osric sang.  
  
“Peek-a-boo!”   
  
“Peek-a-boo!” came Osric’s voice again, and Jamie jumped; he was right by her.   
  
Even as she realised, his hand was on her hip, one finger brushing up under her jumper and onto the bare skin of her waist. She lowered her hands from her eyes, turned, and kissed him roughly, Osric biting her lip before kissing her back. Osric’s hand tightened on her waist, sliding up under her jumper, the other cupping the back of her head.  
  
“Someone’s there but oh my gosh, I don’t know who! Is it you?” shouted those rotten kids.  
  
Osric unglued his face from Jamie’s. “Peek-a-boo!” he shouted, and then returned his attention to her lips.   
  
“Give a clue!” called the kids.  
  
Again, Osric pulled away, but not before squeezing Jamie’s arse, making her body throb.   
  
“Peek-a-boo!” he sang, moving back around to his original spot by the table as everyone continued to sing. He moved clumsily, his eyes locked on Jamie’s as they both tried to get their breath back.  
  
“Guess I’d better go and sneak a peek-a-boo!” the kids sang.  
  
“Peek-a-boo!” Osric finished, and everyone uncovered their eyes and cheered. The parents all clapped.  
  
“One more time!” shouted Jamie, clapping loudest of all.

  
**IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME….NO, IT’S YOU  
  
**

Jamie opened the door to her flat, where, joy of joys, her dad was sitting in the good chair in front of the telly. She dumped her bag on the floor and tossed her keys in the little model police box she kept on the side-table, hung her coat on the peg.   
  
“I never gave you a key,” she said, and John shrugged. “But um, good news, guess who’s coming for a drink!”  
  
As if on cue, Ryan and Yaz stepped out of her kitchen. They both looked almost as disapproving as her dad. Almost. John had had more practise.  
  
“What the hell are you doing here?”  
  
“Filling me in on recent events,” John said dryly. “I didn’t know Osric was in town.”  
  
“Well. We came to get the tickets,” Ryan said. “In case, you know, you don’t wanna come tomorrow, if you were uncomfortable.”  
  
“Of course I want to come tomorrow!” And she wanted to come tonight, too, of possible. Tomorrow would be good too. “I mean, technically they’re _my_ tickets, he’s _my_ ex-husband - “  
  
“No offence to you all,” Yaz said. “But I think we all know the Smith family can’t be trusted around their ex-husbands.”  
  
“Hey!” said Jamie. “Where’s the evidence of that?”  
  
“She’s in the kitchen, making a quiche,” said her mum, Missy, coming out from behind Yaz and Ryan. “Because apparently the salad she brought for our family dinner isn’t going to be enough. Is Oz bringing anything?”  
  
“I never liked Osric,” said John, and Missy rolled her eyes. “He’d better bring something! We were still paying for your wedding six months after you two divorced!”  
  
“It’s not my fault Phil and River set the tranquility pool on fire during the reception,” said Jamie. “I just wanted a quiet wedding at the registry. Why are we still having this argument?” She turned to Ryan and Yaz. “Are you two staying?”  
  
“I’m not,” said Ryan. “Shona’s made us pakora and it’s board-game night.”  
  
“We invited Yaz to stay,” said Missy. “We thought it would be good to have a non-related party in the mix. To - calm the situation, as it were.” She pointed at John. “Smooth things over.”  
  
“Missy, I can see you pointing at me.”  
  
Jamie pulled herself together. “Look. I was actually hoping. It would just be Osric and I for the night. We need to catch up. Friendly-like.”  
  
Yaz scoffed. “Really.”  
  
Jamie couldn’t help herself. “He wants me!”  
  
“Are you sure?” Ryan asked. “I mean, you said that about the lady in the library the other week and she just had something in her eye.”  
  
“He hit on me in the book shop!” said Jamie. “Actually, Yaz, I put the CD I bought there in your bag, can I have it back?”  
  
“Yeah looking at these song titles,” said Yaz. “You might be right.” She pulled out the CD. “There’s ‘Hold the Spinach, Hide the Sausage,’ ‘Master Magician’s Messy Bed,’ ‘A Great and Magic Tunnel,’” Yaz skimmed the rest of the track names. “Huh. ‘Split In Half.’”   
  
Missy guffawed; John grimaced.   
  
“Oh, big talk coming from you, dad,” said Jamie.  
  
“I don’t monetise it! Also, Graham is not happy with you!”  
  
Jamie was about to launch into a defence of…well, the leg she didn’t really have to stand on, but was interrupted by a knock at the door.   
  
“That’ll be Osric!” she sang, and went to open it.  
  
Osric it was, and he looked - very good, in a crisp white shirt and dark red pants.  
  
“Oh,” she said, and kissed him, her arms around his waist and his hands in her hair.  
  
After a blissful moment, Osric pulled away. “Jamie,” he said, his voice husky, cupping her face with his warm hand. “God, I could throw you down on this floor right now and - hi! Everyone! Everyone’s here, spectacular.”   
  
“Let me take your coat,” said Jamie.  
  
“I’m not wearing a coat,” Osric said.  
  
“Good, less for me to take off you,” Jamie said, her arms still around his neck.  
  
“Um. Hi, John, Missy,” said Osric, de-tangling himself. “Jamie, let me through so I can say hi to - the best ex-in-laws - are you guys married, still?”  
  
Jamie guided Osric over the threshold. Missy held her hand in midair and wiggled it from side-to-side as John’s face remained motionless (though not emotionless. He looked very grumpy).  
  
“Moon must be in Scorpio rising,” said Osric. “Or is it a leap year, how that works?”  
  
“Don’t push it,” said John, while Missy laughed.  
  
“And, and, Raz and Y - Ryan and Yaz, good to see you again,” said Osric, stepping into the middle of the living room. He offered his hand, which Ryan and Yaz shook. “Are you joining us for dinner?”  
  
“No, sadly, they’re all going out, all have plans!” said Jamie. “Seriously, I have one spare key and it’s at Graham and Grace’s, give that one back, Dad.”  
  
“Yes, and he’s ticked off at you,” said John, standing. “But if it must be the two of you, we’ll be off. Bye, Osric. I was so looking forward to catching up with what you’ve been doing with your life.”  
  
“My quiche isn’t done yet,” Missy stage-whispered.  
  
“My patience is,” said John. “We’ll go to the pub for dinner - “  
  
“We haven’t been to the pub in _fifteen years -_ “ said Missy. “Let’s go to Ellegrino’s,” she added, naming an expensive Italian fusion place (fused with what, Jamie had never been able to figure out).  
  
“Fine,” said John. “Yaz, Ryan, always a pleasure.”  
  
John and Missy departed, and Ryan and Yaz hovered awkwardly in the living room as Jamie told Osric to make himself comfortable.  
  
“Do you guys want some drink of wine? A drink, wine or juice or something?” she asked Yaz and Ryan. “Stay for a glass, if you’re worried.”  
  
“I think they’re just weirded out seeing you with a man,” Osric said, smiling, raising his eyebrows at Yaz, and Yaz found herself nodding. “You should’ve seen my parents when we started going out. Just a lovely little catch up between old friends, me, Jamie - “  
  
Just as the front door slammed and Jamie’s parents left, it opened again.  
  
“Hello!” called a female voice. “Osric?”  
  
“And Lucy!” said Osric, standing again.   
  
Lucy, the piano player from earlier in the bookshop, swept through, smiling at everyone. She, too, shook Ryan and Yaz’s unresistant hands.  
  
“This is Lucy,” Osric said. “She’s um, well she does just about everything for me, manager, publicist, backing piano - “  
  
“Wife,” said Lucy, with a smile.  
  
“Okay, so he likes blondes,” Ryan said, and Yaz smacked him. "Least he's more consistent than Jamie."  
  
“I was getting there, love,” said Osric. “And when I told her where I was going, she just had to come along and meet you!”  
  
Jamie’s face was a picture. “Great!” She said. “Great! Who wants a drink? I know I do!”  
  
“I’ll help,” said Osric, following her into the kitchen.   
  
The kitchen was small and bright and smelt amazing. Shame her favourite quiche would probably be ruined now because -   
  
“And just when were you going to tell me you were married?” she hissed. “What the hell, Oz?”  
  
“She produces my show, it’s a marriage of convenience!”  
  
Jamie looked over Osric’s shoulder, out into the living room. Lucy had her back to them as Ryan - good on Ryan, champion at awkward small talk - distracted her with some chat about the tour. She got out a tray and some glasses, a bottle of wine and a pitcher of juice for Yaz.  
  
“Well right now it’s not!” she said.  
  
“If she’s not looking, it’s very convenient,” said Osric, and went in for a kiss. Jamie kissed him back for a (very) hot second, and then came to her senses.  
  
“Stop, stop, she’ll see us.”  
  
“Well - “ Osric looked around for inspiration. “Say you’re short on something, and send her to the shops. She’s good at errands.”  
  
“I’m not going to send her on an errand! She’s your wife! I’m not - “  
  
“Jamie. Jam.” Osric rubbed her shoulders, and it was like her skin was on fire. “It’s just business. It’s nothing compared to what we had.” His hands slid down her upper arms, down her forearms, her wrists, and he squeezed her hands. God, he smelt the same, he felt the same. It was intoxicating. “Do you remember the passion? The wildness?” He lifted her hand to his mouth, kissed her palm.  
  
Jamie swallowed, her whole body thrumming. “Well, we are low on custard creams - “

* * *

Out in the living room, Ryan let Lucy talk and hoped she’d not turn around.  
  
“He’s just brilliant. We’ve broken records in Maidstone, Manchester, Milton Keynes - tomorrow’s show will be our biggest audience yet, they’ve opened up the third balcony, and he hasn’t missed a show yet - “  
  
Yaz continued to nod, praying Lucy’d not turn around.  
  
“He just lives to entertain children!”  
  
Yaz and Ryan both continued to nod, watching Jamie and Osric violently make out against Jamie’s ancient fridge.  
  
“Children of all ages!” Yaz said. “Hey, actually, while those two catch up, let’s show you Jamie’s balcony, it’s got a great view of. It’s got a great view!”

* * *

  
Osric’s hands were on her arse and her hands were working on his trouser button when the oven timer went off, breaking Jamie out of her trance.  
  
“Have we lost our minds?” she asked, pushing him off her.   
  
Osric took a deep breath.   
  
“Seriously!” she said. Then, “Hang on.”  
  
Jamie quickly put on an oven mitt, turned the timer off (though she didn’t need the mitt for that), opened the oven, got the quiche out, put it on the cooling rack, closed the oven, turned the oven off and put the mitt down.   
  
“Done?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Jamie. If you knew how bored I am, being Master bloody Magician,” Osric said. “This show was just a dumb side hustle to put me through to my doctorate, and now it’s out of control. I never wanted to - “  
  
“You have a wonderful career!”  
  
“Yes, but nothing ever changes! I feel like I’ve been stuck like this - “ Osric gestured at himself, “for forty years!”  
  
Jamie took a small step back, took in Osric’s tired face. “You’ve brought joy to countless children!”  
  
“Well, yeah, but there are times when you want to bring joy to somebody big enough to throw a little back at you!”  
  
Jamie pushed past him as he went in for another kiss, grabbing the tray of drinks on the way.  
  
“Who wants wine!” she said, grinning at the living room.   
  
Lucy smiled and took a glass.  
  
“That’ll be the trick, calm you right down,” said Ryan flatly. “Look, Doctor, I gotta go, Shon’s wants the gossip - I mean, she's wondering where I am.”  
  
“I’ll walk to the bus with you,” said Yaz. “Um, nice to meet you - both, um.”  
  
“Looks like a threesome tonight, then,” said Lucy, and Ryan snorted. 

The door closed behind them. Jamie, Osric and Lucy were left, holding their wines in the living room. Silence reigned.  
  
“So,” said Jamie. “Here. Here we all are. So. How did - you two…meet?”  
  
Someone’s phone began to ring, a tinny rendition of the ‘Peek-a-Boo’ song.   
  
“Whoops!”said Lucy. “I’d better get that, sorry - hello?” She grimaced. “Ozzy, Mr Bunny’s on the sauce again.”  
  
“ _Ozzy_ ,” Jamie mouthed at Osric.  
  
“Lucy, take it on the balcony, it’s rude - “ said Osric, and Lucy grinned at him, mouthed an apology to Jamie and stepped out onto the balcony with her phone, turning to look at the view.  
Osric sighed. “She really has no manners,” he said. “Do you still not wear underwear?”  
  
“Osric!” said Jamie. “That’s inappropriate!”  
  
This last phrase was slightly undercut as she shoved Osric into an armchair, straddled him and began to kiss him deeply. His hands landed on her arse again, and she took one of his hands, moved it to her chest -  
  
“Nope!”   
  
Jamie threw herself off Osric, stumbled backwards, nearly hitting the coffee table. “We need to stop.”  
  
“I can’t help myself,” said Osric.”You’re so - I never stopped thinking about you.” There was a moment, where he held his empty hands out towards her, his eyes soft. “I’ve never stopped missing you.”  
  
“Nor I you, but this is wrong.”  
  
“Jamie, Jamie, Jamie,” said Osric, and he dropped his head into his hands, breathed out. “You’re so good. You’re so good. You always do the right thing. I have the exact same problem.”  
  
“Well,” said Jamie. “You’re making great strides overcoming it.”  
  
Osric stood, checked Lucy on the balcony, and after seeing she was still engrossed in her phone call, he took Jamie’s hand.  
  
“I’m tired of being good,” he said, his hand warm and familiar (even after what, a decade?) in hers. “Haven’t I earned the right to be a little bad? Isn’t there a bit of you, Jamie, that wants to be bad?”  
  
“Yes, and three guesses which bit,” Jamie said, squeezing Osric’s fingers. “No. I can’t do it. You’re married, and I’m a lesbian.”  
  
“Yes, I know. I used to say, remember. ‘My wife’s a lesbian, I’m a straight man, it works for us, now get out of the way, this is her pride parade and I’m her ride home’?”  
  
“Wasn’t that the year you got punched in the face?”  
  
“Yes, yes it was, to the minute. But then we got to be first up for karaoke that night and we crushed that Scissor Sister’s medley.” Osric lifted Jamie’s hand to his mouth, kissed it. “Come to my dressing room tomorrow, after the show. I have an hour when Lucy’s busy. An hour’s not much, I know - “  
  
“Osric, the closest thing I’ve had to intimacy in the last six months was my last visit to the gynaecologist,” Jamie said, squeezing his hand. “An hour is more than enough. I’m feeling a little like the fine china.”  
  
“Someone should be eating off you every day,“ said Osric, and kissed her hand again. Then, “Sh - hey, Lucy.”  
  
Lucy let herself back into the flat. “I just hope the idiot shows up tomorrow - otherwise, what was the point of you paying for his rehab?” she tossed her hair back, smiled. “So, what’s for dinner?”  
  
“Quiche,” said Jamie. “And a salad, probably.”   
  
“I’m not sure about that,” said Lucy. “I’m trying to watch my cholesterol.”  
  
“It’ll be fine, Lucy,” said Osric. “Missy always made a great quiche. And I kind of feel like being bad tonight. What about you, Jamie? Do you want to be bad?”

  
**THERE’LL BE NO NAPS IN HELL**

Back at Nervosa. It was busy, but it wasn’t comforting this time; the hum of people was on Jamie’s nerves the moment she walked in the door.  
  
“It shows its face,” said Yaz, when Jamie sat in front of her. “I’ll have a chai, thanks.”  
  
Jamie dutifully retrieved said chai and ordered herself a pot of soothing Jasmine tea, which she found disgusting, but it was probably what she deserved. The waiter - Peri - ignored this, and gave Jamie her usual order of a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows along with Yaz’s chai.  
  
“Nothing happened,” Jamie said, by way of greeting. “I’m - “  
  
“What the hell was that last night?”  
  
“I told you, nothing happened!” said Jamie. “My problem now is he’s invited me for a you know, a post-show, um. You know. Post-show dalliance.”  
  
“You’re not going,” Yaz scoffed.  
  
“Yaz, if you had any idea how much pain he’s in! He’s reaching out to me to rescue him from a loveless marriage - “  
  
Yaz was only a junior police officer but she’d already perfected her interrogation-face. She fixed it on the Doctor.  
  
“I’m sorry, did you say something?” Yaz said. “Your vagina was talking so loudly I couldn’t hear.”  
  
“Wow.”   
  
Yaz raised her eyebrows.  
  
“Fine!” said Jamie. “All right! I want him! He wants me! I’ve always wanted him, it’s how we’ve always worked!”  
  
“He’s married.”  
  
“I married him first! ‘Till death do us part,’ I recall, but honestly, _la petite morte will_ do it for me,” said Jamie. “Now you may not take those vows seriously - “  
  
“Will you listen to yourself?” Yaz asked. “Three days ago, I’d have said you were a proud, independent queer woman, and now look at you! You’re lusting after some random married man - “  
  
“He’s not just some random man - “  
  
“Why did you divorce him? Think about that - why? Remembering that might help you control yourself!”  
  
Jamie ran her hands through her hair, rubbed her forehead. “Um - we just drove each other nuts. I wanted to go, you know, be gay, but be with him, because I love him, you know, and he was okay with that, he got it, and I was doing my PhD and working, and he was doing his PhD too - which he never got, by the way - and I was so confused, and he was confused because you know. We were both so young, and - “ she shrugged. “I mean, my parents divorce all the time - “  
  
“Haven’t they been banned from remarrying?”  
  
“Only from remarrying each other,” Jamie said. “It’s like vexatious litigation, but they’re classed as vexatious spouses.”  
  
Yaz sipped her drink. “So you’re used to seeing divorce as like, a normal….reoccurring issue within marriages, and you got married super young.”  
  
“Yeah, I was twenty-one, he was twenty. Far too young really.”  
  
“Hm. Didn’t your parents try and talk you out of it?”  
  
“Yes, and my brothers, but since when have I ever listened to them?”  
  
“You said you love him.”  
  
“Yeah, I love him. I mean, I loved him. I’ve known him since we were _eight_ , it’s not like you can just shut that down after one divorce. Why do you ask?”  
  
Yaz tapped her fingers on the table. “Sometimes it’s best to just let the suspect talk. Gives you a better read on the situation.”  
  
“What should I do, Yaz?”  
  
“Well, don’t do - him,” Yaz said, and pulled a face. “You’ve not, have you?”  
  
“No, no, I fed them both quiche and kicked them out,” Jamie said, deciding not to mention the twenty-minute cold shower she’d had afterwards, before just giving up and nearly breaking her Hitachi. “Lucy - his wife - she wanted to get an early night because of the show today. So I’ll meet him afterwards. This is more than sex, Yaz, it’s a special gift, a passion - what’s that word. Kismet! It’s, it’s a rare gift that the gods bestow on so few! How can I refuse it?”  
  
Jamie looked at Yaz. Yaz looked at Jamie, and then clicked her tongue.  
  
“I knew I’d heard that before, that’s your ‘let’s have another slice of cake’ argument.”  
  
“Well, Yaz, some of us haven’t had cake for a really long time!”  
  
“You had it last week!”  
  
“Well, he’s got a really - really, good recipe!”  
  
“Is it safe to approach?”   
  
Ryan had snuck up on them somehow. Umbreen was clinging to his arm leaning against his side. She was wearing a Master Magician Fanclub t-shirt and grinning.  
  
“We ready to go to the show?” asked Ryan.  
  
Yaz drained her drink and stood, nodding. Umbreen darted forward and hugged her auntie, then grabbed Ryan’s hand again, began to pull him towards the door.   
  
“Let’s go, dad, let’s go!”  
  
“What, no hug for Jamie?” Ryan asked, letting himself be towed outside.  
  
“No,” said Jamie, and sighed. “No hugs for Jamie.”

  
**BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG PROBLEM**

Jamie lied her way backstage and quickly found his dressing room; Osric had always liked to be as far back from the stage as possible so he could listen to his music through speakers before going on. She rested her forehead on the door before knocking four times. Osric opened it quickly, frowning as he put on his sparkly purple magician coat. His face softened when he saw her.  
  
“Jam? I thought we said after the show.”  
  
“No, I can’t,” said Jamie, setting her jaw even as her heart pounded at the sight of him. “I’m sorry.”  
  
Osric pulled a face. “Well, we’ve got ten minutes, let me just get rid of - “ he turned back into his dressing room. “Lucy!”  
  
“What?” Jamie heard Lucy’s voice, and it was like a cold bucket of water on her libido.  
  
“No, no,” Jamie said. “I mean, I can’t do this at all.”  
  
“What?” asked Osric.  
  
“What’s going on out there?” Lucy called.  
  
“Nothing!” said Osric, and stepped into the hall. “Just sit there, I’m going for a smoke.”  
  
“Don’t forget the new opening! With Donna and - ”  
  
“Yeah, yeah.”  
  
He closed the door, finished putting on his coat. Then, he leant against the wall, appraised Jamie with his beautiful lips pursed.  
  
“God knows I’ve been tempted, but this is wrong. I’m sorry that you and Lucy have been so unhappy lately - “  
  
“Presumption there that Lucy and I were ever happy - “  
  
“But,” said Jamie. “If you want to talk, we can meet later, there’s a great cafe - “  
  
“Nervosa, I know, you always made us go there when we visited your parents.”  
  
“You’ll meet me at Nervosa?”  
  
“No, why can’t we talk now?” asked Osric.  
  
“Don’t you have a show to do?”  
  
He raised an eyebrow, and god damn, he was attractive. “Opening act first, love. A quick ten minutes, got to get the kids warmed up. Come on, come with me, let's go somewhere more private.”  
  
She ignored his hand and trailed after him through a maze of backstage corridors and old props - why were there giant pepper pots? - and into a darker backroom with a pingpong table and a few chairs. There was a guitar leaning against the wall, along with an accordion. Osric pulled up one of said chairs, and offered it to Jamie. She sat, and he dragged one opposite her.  
  
“This is the break-room. You can’t smoke in here, but everyone does.”  
  
Jamie sniffed, and yes, she could smell the ground-in smell of cigarettes.   
  
“I thought you’d quit smoking, after your dad,” she said.  
  
“Oh, I did, this is actually a comfort thing. I still love the smell of cigarettes,” said Osric. “I like to sit back here and try and fight off the nausea before I have to go onstage. Wonder what excuse will work, if it means I get to put off a show.”  
  
“You can always quit,” Jamie said. “Retire. But like Monty Python retire, not… Beatles retire. But you have to at least do this show, there’s kids out there depending on you!” Yaz and Ryan would never forgive her if Umbreen was disappointed.  
  
Dimly, they both heard a loud cymbal-crash and a piano begin to play. It sounded like the opening act had just begun. They could hear children yelling and clapping excitedly. In her pocket, Jamie’s phone buzzed. It was probably Ryan or Yaz asking her where she’d gotten to.   
  
Osric gave her a look. “You think I’ve tried? Lucy knows when she’s onto a good thing.” He reached out to take her hand, but Jamie moved it out of his reach. “Please.”  
  
“I know you’re at a crossroads right now, Oz, and if I can help you make a decision - “  
  
Osric stood, his purple coat glittering. “I can’t go on,” he said.  
  
“Then don’t,” said Jamie, and stood too. “Make a break. Redefine yourself. Maybe finish your PhD.”  
  
“I did do that, but Dr Master Magician doesn’t look good on the posters. No, I mean now,” Osric said, and rubbed his eyes. “The show. I can’t go on.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I can’t go out there and sing and do all those magic tricks for the kids and pretend to be - “ Osric pasted a smile on his face, waggled his hands. “Pretend to be a happy guy when the love of my life has just rejected me.” His shoulders dropped, and he sat back down, covered his face.   
  
“The _who_ of your _what_ \- “ Jamie shook herself. “Oz, I know you’re disappointed and upset, but think of, think of Umbreen and the other kids - “  
  
“Ha! Let them learn now that life is full of disappointment,” Osric said. “Look how shit mine’s turned out. Loveless marriage, a career that didn’t turn out the way I wanted, no friends, no family - “  
  
“I’m your family!”  
  
“Not any more! We divorced! You’re a lesbian!”  
  
“Oh, for fuck’s - “ Jamie said, and grabbed his lapels. She pulled him up to face-height and kissed him deeply.   
  
Osric made a surprised noise, cupped her face and kissed her back. Jamie let go of his lapels, only so she could wind one hand into his hair and rest the other on his chest and feel his pounding heart.

  
**A ROOM WITH TWO VIEWS**

Donna and Grandad Wilf had started off as a genuine granddad-granddaughter family act, singing and telling silly stories for kids in the local library. As they’d gotten bigger they’d expanded their roster to include Donna’s husband, Shaun, on piano, and Wilf’s on-again, off-again paramour, Minnie, and turned it into a little variety act that went down a treat with the kids, and the parents, who enjoyed Donna’s innuendo-laden jokes.   
  
They were trying something new with this show, pretending Donna couldn’t find her guitar. It was a way of teaching the kids the names of instruments and directions (up, down, behind, right, left). So far, instead of her guitar, Donna had brought on a violin, a trumpet, a tuba and an accordion. Now, Donna paused onstage.   
  
“I’m going to have to look a little further!” She said, to the laughing kids. “Come on, come with me!”   
  
And a cameraman had come out of the wings, the footage from his camera feeding onto the screen. You can probably see where this is going.  
  
The camera followed Donna back offstage and down the back stairs to the prop room, where it should have been empty except for her guitar, and Osric Chaudri, Master Magician himself, doing sleight of hand tricks. It was all designed to get the kids excited and freshen up the show.  
  
Osric Chaudri was doing something with his hands, but it sure as hell wasn’t sleight of them. That said, one of his hands was vanishing - right up this random blonde woman’s shirt.  
Donna stopped. The cameraman stopped. The footage of Master Magician making out with a random woman however, continued to feed onto the screen onstage, which was being watched by over five hundred children and their parents.  
  
“Oh, fuck,” said Donna, which was also beamed to over five hundred children and their parents.  
  
Osric and the woman broke apart, panting, and Donna turned back to the camera as they stared in horror at the lens. “Well, my guitar’s here too!” She said. “Isn’t that great?”  
  
They could hear the laughter from the auditorium. Wordlessly, red-faced, the blonde woman extricated herself from Osric and grabbed Donna’s guitar, passed it to her. Osric grinned, and waved at the camera.  
  
“See you all soon!” He said. “This is um, an old friend! Very excited to see her!”  
  
“Wish my old friends greeted me like that,” said Donna into the camera, and got the hell out of the room and back onstage as quickly as she could.

**LONG NIGHT’S JOURNEY INTO DAY**

Osric might have hated his job, but he was still a professional. He got through the entire performance, with a couple of self-deprecating jokes (and only inviting male volunteers onstage). Yaz filled Jamie in on this after the fact, as she sat miserably in her flat, working her way through an expensive bottle of wine her mum had dropped by.   
  
“I think Oz just wanted to get a leg over, really,” Jamie said miserably. “I mean. Well, technically I’d have the leg over. I’ve never understood that saying, really. He only wanted to get his face under. He loved doing that. He bloody loved it - “  
  
Yaz mentally left the conversation, ate some more chips. “These are good,” she said.  
  
“Yeah, mum brought them. She’s moved back in with dad apparently, which is good, de-tangles Christmas a bit for me and Alec and Phil.”  
  
“If they’re still together, come Christmas. What is it, March?”  
  
Jamie tipped her head from side to side. “You’re not wrong. You know what he said to me? He said I was the love of his life.”  
  
Yaz chose her next words carefully. “And do you think he said that just to cop a feel, or - “  
  
“Ha, cop. Um,” Jamie shook her head. “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know. And I’m still gay, by the way.”  
  
“You do hear about people, you know, gay people who like, you know. Fall in love with a different gender. Sometimes you can’t control that kind of thing,” Yaz said. “I’ve heard.” Someone knocked at the door. “Who’s that?”  
  
“Better not be him,” said Jamie, and Yaz stood and went to answer the door.   
  
“Uh, hi John,” Jamie heard Yaz say, and she twisted in her seat to see her dad in the hall. “Jamie, it’s your dad!”  
  
“Yeah, I figured. Come on in.”  
  
Yaz and John came in, and John took a seat beside Jamie on the couch. Yaz stayed standing, wiggling her fingers.  
  
“You know,” she said suddenly. “I should probably get to work early, they give us donuts on, on Sundays sometimes.”  
  
“It’s Friday,” said Jamie and John.  
  
“Is it?” asked Yaz, and left.  
  
John poured himself some of the wine and ruffled Jamie’s hair.  
  
“Are you disappointed in me?” Jamie asked. “You never liked Oz.”  
  
“No,” said John. “Osric’s a good person under all the purple. If I’m honest, he reminds me of your mum, and your mum’s hurt me more than a few times, and I never want to see you hurt. You’re my girl.”  
  
“Aw, dad. I’m sorry.”  
  
“What are you apologising for? You didn’t let her move back into your flat this afternoon,” John said. “I’m still a bit confused, because you, my girl, are very much a lesbian.”  
  
“Dad, please don’t say lesbian.”  
  
“Lesbian.”  
  
“Dad!”  
  
“Les - t’s be open here, for a moment,” said John, looking uncomfortable at the concept. “Do you still love him?”  
  
“I don’t know!”  
  
“Okay. Do you want to step out with him?”  
  
“Step out?”  
  
“You know, go on a date or something!”  
  
Jamie opened her mouth, then closed it. She opened it to put more wine in, and swallowed.  
  
“I can see myself doing that,” she said. “That could be fun.”  
  
“Well. Then,” said John. “Go on a date with him. Catch up. Uh. Do I need to give you the sex talk, again? Because you can get pregnant if you have sex with most men, I hope you’ve realised that - “  
  
“Dad!”  
  
“Maybe meet in a public place so you can control yourselves, hey?”  
  
“You’re one to talk.”  
  
As if on cue, her phone rang. Unknown number.  
  
“Maybe it’ll be the tax department,” said John. He ruffled Jamie’s hair. “Are you going to be okay?”  
  
“Yeah, let me just - take this.”  
  
She took herself out on the balcony and answered the phone, looking at the view without actually seeing it. It had become more of a backdrop than an actual thing to her.  
  
“Hello? Dr Jamie Smith, University of Yorkshire.”  
  
“Hey, Jamie.” It was Osric, and he barely drew breath before continuing. “First off, I just want to apologise for today. I forgot they’d changed the opening and it was just so stupid and unprofessional of me to do that, and I’m so sorry I put you in that position. I’m so sorry. Can you forgive me?”  
  
Jamie paused. “How did you get this number?”  
  
“Your…your mum dropped by.”  
  
“Seriously? How did she know where you were?”  
  
“I learnt a long time ago not to ask Missy those kinds of questions. But she thought we, you and I, should talk. Once,” Osric cleared his throat. “Once I stopped having hysterics.” Silence. “Jam? Do you - do you forgive me?”

“I’m a bit embarrassed,” said Jamie. “And slightly drunk. But of course I do. You didn’t mean to do that.”  
  
“Thank you, it means a lot to hear you say that.”  
  
“Good.” Jamie looked out at the city. “How’s Lucy?”  
  
Osric sighed into the phone. “It turns out she’s been shagging our accountant, Harry. Last six months. So, you know, almost as bad.”  
  
“Almost as bad? I think that’s worse, Oz.”  
  
“I don’t know, I married her despite being in love with you for the past fifteen years,” said Osric. “I feel like that’s worse. Oh, shit. I am also, a little drunk. So um, yeah, we’re getting divorced…Jamie?”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“Maybe we should do this phone call tomorrow, when we’re sober.”  
  
“Maybe. Or in person - I’d like to see you, in person. Nervosa?” Jamie asked.  
  
“I would’ve assumed. I’ll see you then. Ten-thirty?”  
  
“Sounds perfect. I’ve missed the coffees.”

* * *

  
Jamie got there early and was glad she did, because she had time to scope the place out and ask Kelsey-the-waitress to please ensure no one she was related to tried to come in.  
  
“You know what my dad looks like. My brothers, though. Chances are, Phil’s been at the hospital all night, he’ll have a dumb bowtie on, and Alec looks like Elvis if Elvis had brown hair and wore brown suits.”  
  
Kelsey blinked at Jamie. “Like, early-era Elvis or late era?”  
  
“Maybe not Elvis. Like Buddy Holly, if Buddy Holly was stretched. Like, he’s got a quiff. And he wears dumb pinstriped suits, no matter what his wife Rose begs him to do. And, you know my mum and dad.”

“Yes, I do,” said Kelsey. “And I’m not meant to tell you, but your mum’s over by the bookshelf, behind that newspaper.”  
  
“Yeah, she thinks I’ve not seen her,” Jamie said. “She’s shocking at disguises. Dad always falls for it though.”  
  
“Are they back together again?”  
  
“Don’t even ask,” said Jamie. “Um, can I please have - “  
  
“Hot chocolate?” Kelsey asked, smiling. “Extra - “  
  
“Yes, ha,” said Jamie. “But also, um - “  
  
“May I please have a cappuccino, extra foamy, just a touch of cinnamon?” asked Osric, sliding into the chair opposite Jamie. “Hi, I’m Oz.”  
  
“Aren’t you - “ Kelsey pointed her pen at Osric. “That magician guy from the TV?”  
  
“Not for much longer,” said Osric, smiling. “But it’s nice you noticed.”  
  
“Can I get your autograph for my nephews?”  
  
“Sure, sure,” said Osric, taking Kelsey’s notebook as she passed it over. “What are their names?”  
  
“David and Pierce.” Kelsey spelt it out.   
  
“Cute,” said Osric. “How old?”  
  
“They’re six, they’re twins.”  
  
"Right."  
  
Jamie watched Osric write a short note to the boys, his hair falling over his forehead. He’d dressed for the occasion in a dark grey shirt and black pants; he’d even shaved, which meant he was looking to make a good impression.  
  
“How do you know each other?” Kelsey asked.  
  
Osric signed the note off with a flourish, and handed it to Kelsey, who thanked him.   
  
“Old friends. We were at school together,” he said, and smiled at Jamie, who fucked it up because she said, at the same time, “We used to be married.”  
  
“Oh,” said Kelsey.  
  
“Hm?” said Osric. “Sorry, that was my nickname at uni.”  
  
“I just always thought you were gay, Jamie,” Kelsey said. “Sorry, I’ve taken up so much of your time. Thanks for this, Oz, I’ll have your drinks over in a bit.”  
  
Kelsey left them to it.  
  
“So.” Osric smiled at her.  
  
“So.”  
  
“Is that your mum over there?”  
  
“Yes, just ignore her.”  
  
Osric picked up a packet of sugar and fiddled with it. “Pretty sure I saw Alec hanging around a couple of doors down.”  
  
“If he is, I’m going to clock him,” said Jamie. “So.”  
  
“So.”  
  
“Do you still have a job?”  
  
“I talked to the production company this morning,” Osric said. “Explained. A lot, to them, that I wanted to go do more behind the scenes work. They’re going to shift me out and introduce someone else into the role. We’re going to wait till the tour is finished, then start auditions. Whoever we pick will get the mantle, and I get to leave.”  
  
“Like James Bond,” said Jamie, smiling.   
  
“Something like that, though I’m hoping they pick a woman to replace me,” Osric said. “And I have a couple of ideas for children’s education programs; I’d like to work in that as more of a producer, writer, than up front all the time. I like to be the puppet master, you know.”  
  
“I do know.”  
  
“I’m thinking something like Horrible Histories, like a family show, but about science. Maybe there’ll be a robot dog. Anyway. How is your work going?”  
  
Jamie was halfway through an explanation of her latest research for NASA when Kelsey brought over their drinks. They were halfway through their second round of drinks when Jamie had finished her spiel.  
  
“There’s a TV show in what you do,” Osric said, blinking at her with his lovely dark eyes. “You know, someone going all around space and explaining concepts, theories, planets. Making complex ideas accessible for younger people, or people who might not have gotten the educational chances we did when we were students. You’re so good at breaking things down like that.”  
  
Jamie rested her elbow on the table, cupped her chin in her hand. They stared at each other for a moment.  
  
“We’re sort of ignoring the elephant,” she said.  
  
“Your mum’s gone. She bought a croissant and went out the back,” Osric said, and Jamie laughed. “She did wave!”  
  
“I missed it. No, not that elephant.”  
  
Osric’s jaw tightened. “I want it on the record I was very drunk last night.”  
  
“Yeah, same. However,” Jamie said. “You weren’t drunk when you said I was the love of your life.”  
  
He shrugged. “You are. Sorry, it’s just the way it is. I don’t meant to pressure you, there’s a reason we haven’t spoken since I saw you with that Clara girl - “  
  
“She dumped me for some random chick in her Medieval history class. Last time I go out with someone ten years younger than me,” Jamie said.  
  
“Sorry that’s how it ended. Regardless. I was worried I’d blurt something stupid out, and I didn’t want to put that pressure on you, which is why I stopped checking in at all,” said Osric. “I thought distance would help. And you know, you’re gay, Jam, so.”  
  
“I’ll decide how gay I am, and with whom,” said Jamie, who had spent the evening googling ‘lesbians with men’ and then putting on the SafeSearch filter and trying again that morning with more success. “You’re my exception. All of you, all of your parts.”  
  
Osric pulled a face. “Are you talking about my - “  
  
“I actually meant, like your spirit and your heart, but sure, your dick as well. It’s not the best dick I’ve ever had, but it’s my favourite.”  
  
“Jamie, sorry,” Osric held up a hand. “Just when I’m in public and still a children’s entertainment figure - “  
  
“Fuck, right.”  
  
They both laughed.   
  
“Big talk from you, shoving your hand up my top while on-camera,” Jamie said.  
  
“Again. I’m sorry about that, and I forgot - “  
  
“Oz, it’s fine.” Jamie laid her palms flat on the table. “Go on a date with me.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“I said - “  
  
“I know what you said, I just wasn’t expecting it.”  
  
“I looked it up,” Jamie said. “Yaz said it wasn’t unheard of, for a gay person to love a person of a different gender; like it happens. It had never occurred to me to actually, you know, research it.”  
  
“You wrote a PhD, Jam, the entire process of a PhD is research - “  
  
“Sexuality is different to astrophysics,” said Jamie. “No, actually, I take that back, they’re both very complicated and very big and very beautiful. Like physics and poetry. It rhymes.”  
  
Across the table, Osric ducked his head and smiled at her. He reached over and took her hand. “A date?”  
  
“A date. And we’ll see where it goes.”  
  
“I’d like that. I really, really would.”

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! If a line stuck out to you as particularly hilarious, I probably cribbed it from a Frasier episode. Comments and feedback, especially because I don't tend to write human AUs are particularly appreciated! Thank you for reading and thanks to Yveline and Kiara for being the best.


End file.
